Did I Miss Anything - Poem

Let me get this straight,

There are aliens trying to spy on us by hiding in plain sight, changing the very fabric of the reality we live in.

AI is trying to manipulate mankind with its information-gathering speed until it becomes self-aware, and we must fight them for a war that will end all wars.

Climate change is destroying the ecosystem and may very well destroy all life as we know it, causing catastrophes unseen since the Bible.

And the Devil is just sitting on the sidelines, waiting for it all to happen, as his day of conquest looms nearer.

Is there anything else that I am missing?

Is there?

Is there anything else that can possibly make this more dramatic and life-altering than it already is?

So I am to destroy the aliens, who are using the moons to control not only our planet but life in the universe,

Then, if I am not blown to smithereens by the advanced beings and by my own government, who, by the way, don't even tell me everything I need to know about this thing and will be chasing me the moment I am on this case,

And if I do, for some miracle, beat these creatures, who are doing things that no human can even contemplate.

Then, if the world is still turning and the axis of the North Pole hasn't moved so much that we all become dust,

I am to defeat the AI, who is not only smarter than the advanced alien beings, but is not even a person at all, and because of the technological reliance we have today to function, I will have to go back into the stone age, just to stand a chance.

And if I form a second miracle and beat the AI with the sticks and stones on my back,

Then, and only then, if the world hasn't blown itself up, and we aren't in a second Ice Age, I am to somehow, in a way that modern scientists can't even explain, change the effects of hundreds of thousands of years of pollution caused by humanity to the greenhouse.

Now, let's say I do all of that.

I take out the aliens, the AI, and the climate; I still have one more thing left to do

Because three things are not enough for someone,

I have to destroy the incarnation of Evil, the Prince of Darkness himself, Satan, who, while all this shit is happening, is preparing to take over the world with his army of the undead and demons?

Is that right? Please let me know if I am missing anything? Because what you are describing sounds like a great plan!

Oh, and by the way, I also have to live with the day-to-day struggles of, you know, living in this goddamn hell hole that is a piss of shit place to live without the threat of extermination and massive galactic warfare!

The type of place where the chair you order for your office is broken when you get it, and then the store gives you a problem when you want to return it.

Or how about your neighbor blasting his goddamn music at 2 AM in the freaking morning as the rest of the neighbors are trying to sleep!

Or the morons on the road who don't know how to drive and nearly kill you, even though they all have their driver's license and did take a driving test!

That is the world I am fighting for!

The world that produces more assholes than astronauts.

More idiots than idols, more losers than leaders.

So why would any of this be easy?

Why?

What part of this task is supposed to make me say, "You know what, that is a good idea?"

Please tell me! Cause I would love to find that part!

And God knows, oh, does he know! That saving the world will not be heroic but inconvenient!

I will get the small ship on the broken runway when I fight the aliens. The one that is barely functional and no alien in his right mind would fly!

Will it have light speed or ludicrous speed?

No. No. Why would it?

It may not even have rockets!

My ship will be the one with so many engineering problems, I will have to get an advanced degree in aerial aviation of foreign spacecraft just to fly the damn thing.

I will have no technology when fighting the AI, because what is easier than fighting technology, if you don't have any!

Will I have any time to prepare against such an opponent who can literally calculate any possibility ahead of time?

Of course not!

I will have to use my wits to avoid barely escaping and defeating the AI.

Because the only way to defeat the prepared is to not prepare, I suppose!

When I correct climate change, I won't be given the nice device that can easily solve the whole situation.

No! No! That is too obvious!

I will be given the device that has a code, with another code, with a password, that I need another code to find just to complete the first step!

The world is caving in, the oceans are rising, and the world is panicking, so what better time than to have a complicated system to save us all?

That is assuming there even is a way to save us!

And when I fight the Devil will I be given angels, like Michael and Gabriel, willing to fight for me, and my cause for goodness?

Of course not!

I will be given whatever scraps and pieces are left over from the mayhem I just witnessed, from the war against the aliens, the second war against the AI, and the possible extermination caused by climate change.

In fact, I have so little confidence in this last part that I think it is safe to say I won't even have an army when I fight the Devil.

That's right! When I fight the largest, most powerful army ever seen in the history of the world, that is led by a creature who isn't even human, I will have barely enough people to form a corps.

And one little thing that I forgot to mention in all of this…

One minor detail that I didn't include.

I am a freaking human!

I am going to age during this whole process, getting slower, fatter, weaker, dumber, and a less capable opponent as the seeds of life are taken away from me, and my youth leaves me, as the forces I fight only get stronger with each passing day.

I not only have to complete this task, but do it in a time frame so that my skills are still applicable to the very case, and so the world doesn't go bye-bye, by then.

My assignment, if I am hearing you correctly, is to win three wars requiring varying expertise in warfare and strategy, and to solve one of mankind's scientific anomalies that if goes unsolved, makes the victories of war null and void.