Jeans - Flash Fiction

I have a really weird relationship with my agent. I mean, I have known the guy for 20 years or whatever, but he doesn't talk to me like I am a client. That is how long it has been, I guess. If you have known people for so long, you end up becoming comfortable with them, and what used to be proper is now casual.

It also means that I am getting freaking old, but that is for another day.

So anyway, one day, my agent, his name is Dan, called me about an offer he received. I don't really ask him where he gets the offers from because that is what I leave to him. We even had a conversation about this when he told me that if I were to know where he gets the offers from, then I might as well do his job. That kind of stress isn't really worth it all. I agree. I don't need any of that crap he deals with. Anyway, he said I was to be nude in one of the scenes for whatever movie or show it was.

I have never been nude in my life.

Well, at least on screen. Off-screen, I am nude as much as anyone else, I suppose. You can even ask my wife about that one. She has seen me nude more than anyone, which I feel is a sign of a healthy marriage, right? Although it's not like I go around thinking about people naked. I don't look at people and wonder how many hours a day that person is nude. I only do that for certain people, obviously.

I asked my agent whether I was going Full Monty with this scene or not. Am I letting my anaconda out of the wild, or am I only ass cheeks? A man has a right to know how much nude is to be expected, especially when it is being recorded.

He said it was Fully Monty. The whole show. Yup, all of me in the scene. And you know what is so strange about that Full Monty reference? I only ever remember the one scene from that movie when the guys are in line at the bank or wherever the hell they are. I don't remember any actual nudity in the film, but anyway…

I joked with Dan about my penis being too big for the screen because it is, and he joked that it was too small for such a scene, which it also is. A man can't be nude and not expected to show some girth, I suppose.

I asked if I was expected to please a woman in this scene, as that seems to be the only reason for a man to show his junk. I am not waddling that thing around for no freaking purpose.

It was then that he let me in on what he was really doing.

He was kidding. He made a wiseass remark about no one wanting to see me naked, which I gotta admit is pretty on point with him. My wife says that is why we are no longer having kids. I blame it on the expenses, as kids cost so much today. Have you seen how much it is to feed a family today? Yeah, we don't need another mouth. We will live with the three knuckleheads we have now. Of course, my kids think we are not having any more kids because my wife doesn't want to have sex with me, which is kind of true. But I digress…

I repeated to Dan that my penis couldn't even fit in a jockstrap. It is too big for those things. It is why I could never be a baseball player. Aside from my poor arm, weak legs, and below-average eyesight, what really held me back was the monster in in between my pants, not allowing me to wear a cup. That was the real issue.

He mentioned that I never wear jockstraps, which I said only proves my point.

My agent had another offer for me, though, and he was quick to get to it. That is the thing about

Dan; he is not a guy who likes to keep on one topic for too long. It is like he has ADHD but in such a small amount that he is not diagnosed with it. And yes, I have told him about this, so I don't feel bad telling you this. Cause I know there are going to be a line of people who are upset that I said something bad about ADHD people; meanwhile, the guy I said it about is cool about it. You know how that works.

Do I know Levi's?

That was the question that he asked me. No segue, no setup. Just the question.

I said, do you mean the jeans?

And he was like, yeah.

He told me I was going to be in a Levi's commercial with Beyonce.

I clarified that neither of us would be nude in the commercial.

Unfortunately no.

Beyonce would have clothes on in the commercial.

The description Dan gave me of the commercial was vague, to say the least. I would be in a bar, and Beyonce would walk in with the jeans on. I would look at her for a second. And that was it.

So I got paid to stare at Beyonce for a few minutes. A man can be dealt worse fates.

I clarified again that there was no time in the commercial that Beyonce or myself would be nude or come close to being naked.

Dan repeated the words Levi's a few times, as though that was supposed to mean something to me. Like I instantly think of people not taking off their jeans when I think of Levi's.

Now, that I think of it, I do the opposite. Most images I have of people in Levi's is of them taking off the jeans, or putting them on.

The shoot was fairly easy. One day, but half of it was putting me in the right pair of jeans. I am not even kidding. I was confused as I though the commercial was about how Beyonce looked in the jeans, not me.

We got through about the fifth pair when they told me that I would be sitting in the commercial too. Yeah, I had to go through wardrobe and everything to sit down and watch Beyonce walk-in. I wasn't even standing in this commercial.

And I don't even wear jeans either. I didn't really mention that when I was on set, either. I mean, I didn't bring it up when I tried on my tenth pair of jeans. Yeah, that would have been foolish. Can you imagine if I were to complain about jeans as I am trying to sell them in a commercial?

I actually heard of a tale of an actor doing that once, and I don't know if it is really true. It is one of those stories that changes themes and purpose to fit whoever is saying it, but the main reason for telling the story is always the same.

Here is the basic story, at least the one that I have heard. An actor on the set of a show or whatever, complained about the product he is selling. By lunch, the actor was told to leave and they got another actor to replace the guy.

I know that some of my buddies add that the actor who replaced the guy was a big-time guy to prove the point that literally anyone can be replaced. I am not sure if that is really true.

So yeah, when I was trying on Levi's, I didn't mention that I was not a jeans guy.

The question I get from this commercial is not whether I know the woman, you know, Beyonce, one of the more popular musical acts of the past 20 years or so, or how I got into the commercial, or anything even about Levi's. Nobody asks about any of that. Do you know what people ask me about the commercial? And I am not even making this part up. They ask about her butt. Did Beyonce use a body double in the shoot? Because if you see the commercial, she doesn't show her face in the shot with her butt in it, taking up the entire screen. People are then curious as to whether this curvy-figured woman is not as curvy as they figured.

From what I could see, there was no body double; there was only the woman, Beyonce, in her jeans. Did I see them take the shot of her butt? That is always a question that some want to know. Seriously, they want a deep dive into this as though this is the JFK film. Yeah, some people have a lot of time on their hands. I guess after you see all the JFK footage and get tired of speaking about aliens, you have to go to something, and a beautiful woman using a body double in a random commercial takes the spot for some.

But yeah, I would say that was her actual butt. Do I have proof of it aside from the fact I was there on set with her as she was in those jeans? No, I didn't take any pictures with her or anything.

Some people have asked me if Beyonce knew who I was. I am honestly not sure if she did. She was nice to me on set, but nice in a way you are with strangers, more than her doing anything for me to notice that she knew I was an actor. I didn't want to tell her I won an Emmy last year and have been in some pretty big movies and shows over the years, and this entire thing was below me. That sort of angle never really plays well. The person you are speaking to may think you are a jerk, so I don't really bother telling people who I am if they don't recognize me from TV or movies.

I am not sure if I love Levi's or not now. On the one hand, they paid me, and I am really happy about that. I mean, they paid me, the second actor, for a one-time shoot pretty well. It was not life-changing money, but considering what I was doing, I would take the few grand they gave me. But now, I have to deal with this odd connection to this beautiful woman who wore the jeans in a commercial that I said nothing in, by the way. Yeah, there is no back-and-forth or anything. I forget what song they played over the commercial.

I actually almost got in trouble when I asked about the song. So I am sitting down in the chair, and Beyonce is standing by me. We are between shoots. I asked her what song would be played during this commercial. She said a title that I honestly forgot. But the thing is, the title was one of her songs. I didn't know that at the time, but I did say quickly that it seemed like a good fit for the commercial. I still don't know the song.

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