Quite A Change - Poem

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An ironic, introspective poem about how quickly a life can tilt. In “Quite A Change,” Greg Luti follows a speaker through frustration, disillusionment, and the uneasy choice to stay in the fight.

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Sometimes I wake up and feel like Tupac,

I ask myself if I should just end my life.

One clip, one click, one ending.

Click and then boom.

My story would be over before it got started.

Life sucks, so screw life.

Screw all they say about it.

All that guru bullshit the heathens teach.

All that nonsense of goodwill they pass to keep you grounded.

All of life sucks.

But this gun, this gun may do the trick.

I will screw life by taking my own.

Of course, that would mean I have to get a gun.

Go to a store and buy one.

Which is going to take some time.

I am in no rush to kill myself, but damn…

Going to the store and then making a shopping trip all just to end this all seems to be doing the opposite.

What type of nonsense is that?

Shit, then I have to pass the test that proves I am not crazy…

But I want to buy the gun to kill myself, which is the definition of crazy….

Damn… what would Pac say about this?

Wasn’t he talking about changes in that song?

Huey died, I remember that line.

And so does Tupac in the song.

That is what the rat-tat-tat-tat part is about.

For those who don’t know.

Hmm….

I am starting to think this whole suicide experiment is not going to be as easy as I thought.

The whole point of me ending my life is that it would be quick and painless.

Like ripping a bandage off…

But now I need to be devoted to ending my freaking life…

As if this is a job I need to accomplish.

Shit, if I am going to work so hard at ending myself, I might as well work hard at improving myself.

What is the freaking difference?

Instead of going to the gun shop, maybe I will get some stuff we need.

What do we need?

I don’t know.

Probably milk and eggs.

You can never have too much milk and eggs.

One of the tutors I know brought in eggs to give to people.

I am not even making that up either.

She brought in a pack of eggs she got from the farm, and asked if anyone wanted them.

As though she was giving out a piece of candy or something.

The place has rewards they give students for doing well academically, maybe the kids will like to have the eggs instead of what we give them now, which is like Rubex cubes and other stupid stuff kids like.

Not to bash the kids, but boy, do kids like stupid things.

When the kids achieve success, we allow them the option to pick from an array of moron toys, like squishy things, or slime, or other things that if you are an adult and playing with them, you are deemed a weirdo.

You need to buy a gun in order to kill yourself.

Students who do well get stupid awards.

I see no changes.

The world didn’t make sense then.

It doesn’t make sense now.

It probably won’t make sense in the future.

Now, you will be told by various bullshit artists that they have the solution to all of life’s problems.

Because they know.

They are the few who have the secrets to this.

Like they are using a secret recipe for a dish we all eat.

They tell everyone how to live, how to eat, and how to improve themselves.

And what happens?

That person then ends up committing suicide because of problems they were hiding from people all along.

You explain that to me.

Don’t actually…

I was just being nice. I don’t really want you to explain it to me.

That is kind of like when I ask someone how they are doing.

I don’t really want to know.

I only do it as a formality.

Because saying what’s up, or hey, can be repetitive pretty quickly.

I don’t know….

Maybe, just maybe, suicide is not the answer.

That is just a theory, though.

I have nothing to really prove that, but I feel like there are enough out there who would support it.

I give a person two options –

They have to buy a gun and then shoot themselves.

Which is really a pain in the ass as much as tragic. Guns are expensive, and honestly, I have things to do; I can’t just go to the gun shop and buy a gun. I am too busy for that.

Oh, and the taking of the life is sad too.

You know the ending of the pre-mature life, that was never much of one.

Then there is option two –

I don’t give the person the gun, and they don’t shoot themselves.

I am not a math guy, but it seems the second option has a higher rate of survival than the first.

It is the best of the two options.

If you commit suicide, then that is that.

Game over.

You lose.

You are going to cash your chips in.

If you don’t….

Then you get to continue to play in this miserable, strange experience we call life.

And hell, playing in the game is much better than not being in the game at all.

Plus, there are some of those fake gurus who would tell you about success and wealth, and I don’t know if you know this, but you can’t really succeed or get wealthy if you are dead.

You are welcome for that piece of advice.

Now overpay me for a speaking engagement and then let me talk nonsense for an hour.

That would be a funny thing to put on a tombstone

“He tried to live…. He failed.”

I heard somewhere that we are only here to die.

Which I guess is true, in a weird, screwed up way.

But that is true, the same way that saying that killing yourself solves your problems.

I mean, sure, you don’t have to get out of debt anymore or worry about all of life’s issues, but that is more because you are dead, no longer dealing with them, than any real solution on your end.

It is similar to throwing out food you were supposed to eat.

Did you get rid of the food? Sure.

But is that the way you were trying to get rid of the food?

No. It was not.

And you are a fool if you allow the cook to see you make that move.

At that point, suck it up and eat the damn meal.

If you are stupid enough to get caught like that, then you should have the balls to eat the food in front of the cook.

So yeah, you solved your life’s problems, but you also didn’t address the major issue now.

You don’t have a life.

I don’t mean that in the way some try to insult losers who don’t do anything all day.

No, I mean you are no longer in possession of life.

If living with life is the number one, then you are living without life, which is number zero.

You are zero; you have no life.

Now that would be a funny thing to hear at a funeral.

“This man was a zero. He no longer has life.”

If you commit suicide, do you think you are allowed to attend your own funeral?

It feels like the afterlife would have a rule against that sort of thing.

Like you killed yourself, so you are no longer allowed to see the world.

I bet there is a sign in hell or wherever you end up when you blast yourself, about that sort of thing.

You thought you were clever.

You thought you were slick.

Trying to one off yourself, getting out of this life and removing yourself from the game.

Well, you were wrong.

Because the place where you go to after the shot goes off doesn’t even like people who commit suicide.

They look down upon those people.

We are talking about supernatural beings and freaky things that are not human either.

Those things look at you committing suicide and shake their heads.

Or you know, whatever they have that they can shake, showing a disapproval of your death.

Is there a lesson here?

Something that you can take with you?

Maybe you should not blast yourself when you get down.

And no, don’t get all witty with me here either.

No gun blasting.

No rope hanging.

No bomb exploding.

No train jumping.

None of that.

Don’t do any of that.

Do not kill yourself.

You will die without lending the world a hand.

I won’t say what you think I will say….

That you are worthy of life, and have something to give to this world.

That each and every one of you is important.

I am not a fake guru.

I won’t say what you want to hear.

The truth is that you may be a loser.

You may be a zero.

And heck, you may not even have much to live for.

Logic may even tell you that suicide seems right then.

The game is over for you, so why not end it?

Seems reasonable, right?

Wrong….

Because you don’t know everything.

You have no idea where you will be in a year or five or ten.

Your life may be better then.

It may be worse.

But you ending it all, is you thinking you know more about your life than you really do.

You don’t know the future.

None of us do.

I may get run over tomorrow.

I may get hit by a train in a week.

I may get killed by someone I roughed up way back.

Who knows?

I don’t know.

And neither do you.

So stop bitching and complaining that your life sucks.

And get in on the little secret that you oughta know.

Life doesn’t suck for everyone.

It is just a matter of how you deal with the hand you are dealt.

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